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Well spun news from Ballyeffin

Ballyeffin Beacon

Author Information

SHOVE OFF YA NOSY GIT

Yiziv come here for the readin not the nosin
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The Ballyeffin Beacon

Award winning news. Recipient of the Plutza Prize. Allegedly considered for the Pulitzer Prize.

Some History.

The Greatest newspaper in Ballyeffin: The award winning Ballyeffin Beacon.

Internationally acclaimed and read often by many people that read, the Ballyeffin Beacon is not just a local newspaper. The Ballyeffin Beacon is a highly respected purveyor of high quality *news, *sport and *features since 1787. It is the longest running newspaper in Ballyeffin.

*This information was provided by Sources. For Journalistic Integrity we cannot divulge their names.

The Ballyeffin Beacon is the primary media publisher on the boglands surrounding Ballyeffin Village. We are essentially a cartel and we control all news stories and publish only to suit our agenda, and the agenda of our benefactors, advertisers and shareholders.

The flagship, and only damn ship, Ballyeffin Beacon is an online daily, and nightly (Monday -Saturday, plus Sunday) news portal circulating throughout the World Wide Web with an unaudited hourly circulation of so many it is hard to keep up. And a readership of almost three times that. The Ballyeffin Beacon is the largest daily newspaper on the Ballyeffin Boglands.

Fake news and bull-shit views from the Ballyeffin beacon.

In 1845 the company acquired the assets of the Inisheffin Scrounger. They asset stripped the business and laid off all the workers. Over the next century or so they also shafted the Ballyboondock Telegraph, the Ballyeffin Guardian, and the Boglands Bastion. By 1910 they had full control of the area and have pursued their goals unhindered to this very day. “Born on the boglands” Irelands’s oldest newspaper (allegedly).

In 1786 the last reliably recorded wolf in Ireland was hunted down and killed near Mount Leinster, County Carlow, for killing sheep. This caused outrage in the Boglands. The Ballyeffinites wanted to take that crown. That lone wolf was going to be the icing on the up-yours cake for the Ballyeffin Hunters. The wolf’s head would have taken it’s rightful place alongside the head of the sabretoothed tiger that hung on the wall above the great radiator in the Ballyeffin Inn. The old Ballyeffinites, long passed, had hounded the sabretoothed tiger into extinction. The town was immensely proud of the fact that their ancestors had slaughtered eleven of the foul creatures in a single weekend. As rumblings grew louder a protest movement was formed. 1786 gave way to 1787 and in the midst of a sabre-rattling horde of Ballyeffinites a stranger appeared.

 Ballyeffinites had never seen the like of him. He looked like he’d just crawled out of the bog. Carrying a pick and a shovel and a metal bowl, this stranger walked straight up to the bar in the Ballyeffin Inn. “Where is the gold lush”, he asked. The drunks erupted with insane laughter as they swayed on the hooks they were attached to at the bar. The origins of the hookup. (When you are so drunk you can’t stand so you lift your belt over the hook protruding from the edge of the bar and then you can’t fall over). Mr Hai Wong had just undertaken an arduous journey to get to this place. (But that is another story). All you need to know right now is that Mr Hai Wong, an immigrant from China, founded the Ballyeffin Beacon.

Well spun news from Ballyeffin

It was an ambitious enterprise for a man who had learn to speak and write english on a trader owned by the English East India Company. His first article, on the Ballyeffin riots that ensued after the wolf yoke, was a great hit with the seven Ballyeffinites that could read. Those seven became extremely popular over time as more and more articles were churned out by Hai. There would often be seven groups all huddled around the village listening intently to the orators as they translated the written word into noise.

The Ballyeffin Beacon has remained in the same family since. So many generations of the Wong family have chronicled the life and times of Ballyeffin and its inhabitants.

The printing of the Ballyeffin Beacon has moved full circle since 1787. It started off in makeshift premises close to the corner of Bog Lane and Bog Quay right about where the Ballyeffin Beacon’ s server sits today. Bigger premises followed in Bog Street, near where Ballyeffin Car Hire parks its rental car today. The first reel-fed, flatbed Cossar press was commissioned in 1926 and the second in 1943. (These machines now lay idle next to several mattresses, plenty of worn out tyres and a multitude of other items of unwanted former treasures in the Ballyeffin Bog where they were dumped). They then moved up the street into a purpose built facility (Now the location of BogDonalds, the international cheesychip chain) before moving on again to the current location, to private rooms above the Ballyeffin Inn.

Twisted News and views from the Boglands of Ireland with the Ballyeffin Beacon

Currently brothers Ron and Don Wong run the newspaper. They are proud Ballyeffin residents and are continuing with the tradition of controlling the narrative. Ron and Don sit on the board of EffinFizza, an international joint venture and the largest employer in Ballyeffin. It is a behemoth of a factory. Ron and Don are also job sharing the position of Ballyeffin Mayor, they own the Ballyeffin Hotel and are quickly running out of fingers to stick in more pies. Well done them. Originally privately owned, the Ballyeffin Beacon was floated on the Ballyeffin Stock Exchange in 1985 with 11 local shareholders, 4 of them Ballyeffin Town Councillors, plus the local TD Billy Reely-Hay, the son of Tommy Reely-Hay, the legendary firebrand Ballyeffin politician, plus five shareholders from the Wong Family Dynasty. Staff numbers fluctuate so are not available to publish.

There have been many newspapers trying to relocate or setup shop in Ballyeffin over the years but all have failed to get through the myriad of technical, planning, and environmental issues. There has been mud thrown at the various shareholders of the Ballyeffin Beacon by these disgruntled failures. But not as much as is thrown at anyone not wanted in the Village. Effin Oil, the garage, does a great trade powerwashing the buggers down as they leave. It is often said that they arrive bearing brown envelopes, but leave with sore holes. Rhode all the way.

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Independent Fact Check

Independent Fact Check

I, Jane Roweled-Doh, acting as an Impartial and Independent Fact Checker, and on the payroll of the Ballyboondock Guardian - A sworn mortal enemy of The Ballyeffin Beacon, label this tripe as Mostly Fake News, and 100% Fake News.

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The Ballyeffin Beacon has been awarded the prestigious honour of LeBrainoNoNeedo  

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2021

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