In a joint operation this morning members of the Laois and Offaly Gardai conducted multiple raids on several premises resulting in a massive confiscation of delicious KFC, and one arrest. They were tipped-off to the illicit KFC smuggling operation by a distraught member of the public. The arrest was made as bags of evidence (fried chicken) and paraphernalia (licked-clean plastic spoons and containers) were removed during the operation.
There are no KFC Restaurants in Laois or Offaly, apart from the one in Ballyeffin, so the temptation to supply a pent-up demand was far too great for the greedy smugglers. People have been going Cold Turkey through lack of access to their fried chicken of choice. This created a lucrative market for the smugglers. Drumsticks are hot at the moment. As are them spicy Hot Wings, apparently.
The KFC contraband has been smuggled in vans and car-boots over the borders of Laois and Offaly from KFC Newbridge, KFC Clonmel and KFC in Athlone. Even Liffey Valley KFC gets mentioned by the coppers. There is only one KFC in County Offaly, the Ballyeffin branch. When asked why they didn’t just go there the smugglers said they couldn’t find it.
The single arrest was made using the new Covid-19 Laws. The arrested monkey had foolishly licked his fingers in front of the officers. Officer Shpooil mentioned to Detective Shportt, “That arrest felt finger-lickin-good.” Only the monkey laughed.
Nobody else was arrested as they kept their hands on their chicken.
A neighbor, who lived in an adjacent building to one of the raided buildings, had made the original complaint. The reason being that it was too painful smelling the delicious aroma as it wafted past on the evening breeze. “As an ex-heroin addict, it was worse than when I went cold turkey off H.”
Famous folk have offered their support. Eric Clapton is considering sending in a few experts from his Crossroads Centre in Antigua, sauces…sources say, apparently.
Gardai didn’t know any of this was going on. Every dog in the street did. One local lady, Mary, was extremely upset. Mary’s dog wouldn’t come home.
Need Help? Do you have an addiction to KFC? Call the Ballyeffin Help Line. 666-69-69-69. It’s Lickin-Good.
This article was sponsored by Utter Scutter.
